Thursday, February 2, 2012

the days just are Ugh


This week has had its ups and downs.  Thought I was going to have enough to get my Harley and then my brake assembly broke in my truck. It cost me over 1000 to fix them let alone,  two new tires and other needed repairs. So I've been weighing my options in selling it and buying another truck more dependable. I would have to scratch my Harley plans for that for a while which I really do not want to do. Though I am probably going to have to when I do my taxes for Uncle Sam is going to want some cash from me.

Things keep going deeper and deeper and I'm trying to stay away from where I was a couple years ago. I keep getting these deep down feeling that everythings going to turn to shit. I have this self destructive side that always like to poke through when things are going good.  Things just start tumbling down before I can catch on whats happening. 

I love my job and I believe I am up there to the top installers that they  have. Though from a prior employer I have that permanent feeling i'm going to get canned everyday. For they were a complete piece of work and its effected me in every job.  With where I'm working now its pretty distent and they usually only call when something is wrong. So I don't really get to talk to them much and when I do its quite short. I'm just glad I enjoy what I do and get paid well for it as well.

I like to be alone. People tend to drive me crazy cause I have a hard time relating in a personal matter. I can lay the fake stuff out for work to get the customers to love me but once I"m done I just rather be alone sometimes.  Thank God I do get along with Ray and Jen great. But other than them my friend listing is basically zil. My best friend is up in Oregon and we talk maybe every month or so.  Big groups gets me all twisted up. I get all awkward and just isn't enjoyable to me. I'll end up finding a barstool and grab a beer hiding from everyone else.   I think its the constant chatter, loud sounds and the fact I have a hard time understanding what anyone says if theres more than 2 people talking or something else making noise.  So when I do talk in that situation you are only going to see head bobs from me.

Lets pray this following week goes better than this week.  Its Jen's birthday tomorrow so I'll put a happy face on for the day.

Can't believe its been over 11 years now since she left us.  My life would be so much different. My families as well. The reason? who the fuck knows.  I have yet to see anything positive out of it.  What a fucking shame God.... Why don't you take the assholes in life, maybe murdering bastards. What this this all prove?  a Trial?  A trial for what?  

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